


When You Think of Me

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-07-28
Updated: 2003-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin's thoughts as he leaves Brian.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin looked at Brian sleeping peacefully. He fell asleep after the two had made love for hours. Justin had his bags packed in the closet so Brian wouldn’t see them. He had come to this painful decision a few weeks ago. Brian had given Justin as much as he could. He had been a wonderful loving partner, but Justin was not happy.

You look so peaceful sleepin’,  
You don’t know that I’m leaving, but I’m gone.  
Well I did my best to beat ‘em, but in my head, the demon said, move on.  
You wake up your gonna curse my name.  
But as some time goes by I hope and pray.

Justin knew that when they got back together, things were different. Brian was really trying. He was actually putting some effort into their relationship this time. They connected more than they ever had before. Brian treated him as an equal, something the older man had never done before.

When you think of me,   
Remember the way that I used to be.  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
Remember the way that I loved you.

There were things that didn’t change. Brian still tricked, although he didn’t do it in front of Justin, but the artist still knew and it still broke his heart. He knew from the first incarnation of their relationship there were things Brian would not change. He would not commit to Justin 100%. And the second time was no different. Justin thought he could handle it, but time had proven him wrong. He remembered the first night, the night he fell in love with Brian Kinney.

I think about the night I met you, I swore I’d never forget you, well I won’t.  
I think about the way you’ll live and breath,  
Inside my dreams forever.  
You’ll be better when I’m gone, you’ll be better when I’m gone.  
Cause I know your gonna fall in love again.  
I’m sorry this is how it has to end.

Justin knew he would love Brian forever. The man would always own his heart and soul. No one would ever be able to replace Brian in his heart, but the pain had become too much. Justin had never been in such turmoil. He knew that Brian had given him everything he could, and Justin felt like a heartless shit. He hated himself that what Brian had given him wasn’t enough. He knew it was better if he left. The last time he had held on, hoping for more, he had almost destroyed them both. It would be better for both of them if he just left.

As I pick up these bags and turn around  
I say a little prayer and hope somehow.

When you think of me, remember the way that I used to be.  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
Remember the way that I loved you.

Justin took one last look at his sleeping lover, and quietly said goodbye, as he picked up his bags and left.

 

 

('When You Think of '– Music & Lyrics by Troy Verges and Brett James)


	2. When You Think of Me

Brian lay in bed as Justin collected his things. He knew the blonde was planning something. They had made love for hours, but Justin had kept his distance. Brian recognized this from the "Ethan period." Justin would join him in bed, but they were never really together. There was a wall between them. Brian thought they had conquered the wall, but what he experienced tonight told him they hadn't.

"Close my door  
Close my eyes  
Press my fingers to the glass  
Why does November drag its heels when October never seems to last?"

Things were supposed to be different this time. They were supposed to understand each other. Justin had promised. Wait … Justin only promised no more violin music, that was all he promised. What had he said? He knew what he could expect of Brian. What did he mean? Brian thought he knew. He thought Justin understood. Justin was always "onto him." Had that changed?

"The television tells us love can make a mute man speak or make a closed man walk outside. But time sheds its light on all that I wanted to hide"

Justin was supposed to understand. Brian would give him everything he could. Justin had silently promised that would be enough. He never thought about what would happen if that wasn't true. He believed Justin had given up the illusion of physical monogamy. What if he hadn't? He had continued tricking, and the numbers had increased recently. The pressure of starting his life over had pushed Brian over the edge.

"I get off the train I stumble 'round the Square  
I look for the poems at my feet  
You and I come home  
And there we bitch and moan  
'bout all the perfect lovers that we never seem to meet  
You'd better let someone love you instead of pushing us all away  
Until time rolls right over all that you wanted to say"

Justin had held his tongue. He never complained about Brian's sexual infidelities. What if he had been lying? Is it possible Justin had lied to him again? They were supposed to understand each other this time around. Had Justin forgotten the rules … again? But this time they had set no rules. He felt Justin beginning to expect more, because Brian was giving more. Then suddenly he pulled away. Relationships were bullshit. They didn't mean anything. But they meant something to Justin.

"I know you are hurting  
I see you tied up in knots over there  
But these are the days we are given  
They are precious we must live them I swear  
This could be the last warm day in a cold and ugly November  
When it's all over, what are you going to remember?"

You take life one day at a time. Each day brings a new, and when you look over your life you have your memories. What did Brian want to remember? Were all those trips to the backroom so memorable? Truth be told he couldn't even remember the trick from last night. The memories of his tricks were black. He never remembered them. Each anonymous encounter was a faceless blur. The only one he could remember was the blonde with the "sunshine" smile.

"Hey old one up there  
Where's the snow where are the lighted windows of our passing age?  
You know you never told us of the bitter cold  
Trying to find the heart inside each well-built cage  
Still I forgive you  
I would not have it any other way  
I can say it only once more, I love you  
Stay  
Stay  
Stay"

Brian's heart felt like concrete in his chest. He sat up in bed, and saw Justin struggling with the loft door. He silently crossed the floor. While Justin struggled with the door, Brian grabbed his arm. "I love you … Stay."

 

 

('November' - Words & Music by Peter Mulvey)


	3. When You Think of Me

Justin felt Brian’s arm on his. He froze and the heat from Brian’s touch was like fire on his cold skin.

“I love you … stay.”

Moon so bright, night so fine,  
Keep your heart here with mine  
Life's a dream we are dreaming

Justin turned and looked into Brian’s eyes. They were pleading to him to stay. His older lover always had this effect on him. When Brian looked at him this way, he could never say no. But he had to be strong. He couldn’t settle for this half-relationship any longer. If Brian wanted him to stay things would have to change.  
“Why Brian, why should I stay?

Race the moon, catch the wind,  
Ride the night to the end,  
Seize the day, stand up for the light

Brian knew that Justin had resolved to leave. His blonde lover had been planning this for weeks. Brian had noticed the packed suitcases in Justin’s closet when he came home earlier that evening. Brian believed if he could make love to the blonde artist one more time than Justin would stay. Brian always communicated better with his body than with his words. Tonight he knew that he would have to say the words.

I want to spend my lifetime loving you  
If that is all in life I ever do

“Because I am nothing without you. I have finally learned that the only things I was meant to do in this world is love you. Nothing else I accomplish matters. Nothing I acquire means shit if you aren’t there to share it with me.”

Heroes rise, heroes fall,  
Rise again, win it all,  
In your heart, can't you feel the glory?

“I’m not perfect. I never will be. You’ve had me on a pedestal for a long time, and when I fall it disappoints you. I am not a hero, I am just a man. I’m the man who loves you … but I am just a man.”

Through our joy, through our pain,  
We can move worlds again  
Take my hand, dance with me

Brian turned on the stereo and the sounds of a flamenco guitar filled the loft. “Dance with me?”  
Justin took his hand and Brian led him to the center of the room. They began to move in time to the music. It was a dance of love more beautiful than the dance at the prom. It was filled with love, with promise and it was private. Private between the two lovers gazing into each others eyes.

I want to spend my lifetime loving you  
If that is all in life I ever do  
I will want nothing else to see me through  
If I can spend my lifetime loving you

Brian’s eyes spoke volumes to Justin. The young artist hated himself for doubting Brian, but loving him was so hard sometimes. There were times when he was so exhausted from trying to be Brian’s lover that all he wanted to do was sleep for days. But nights like this … nights like this he believed in forever. For so long it seemed like an illusion and Justin was afraid. He was afraid to believe in them again because he always had his heart broken. Pretty soon there would be nothing left.

Though we know we will never come again  
Where there is love, life begins  
Over and over again

As they expressed their love through the music, Brian sensed Justin’s hesitation, his fear. He knew he had hurt Justin time and time again. He never meant to, but it always happened. He gently wiped the tears that fell from his lover’s blue eyes. “Believe in me one more time Sunshine. It’s the last thing I will ask of you.”  
Justin was unable to say anything, but he looked into Brian’s eyes and believed the words he said. He gave the older man his answer in a kiss.

Save the night, save the day,  
Save the love, come what may,  
Love is worth everything we pay  
I want to spend my lifetime loving you  
If that is all in life I ever do  
I want to spend my lifetime loving you  
If that is all in life I ever do  
I will want nothing else to see me through  
If I can spend my lifetime loving you.

 

 

('I Want to Spend My Lifetime Loving You' - Lyrics by: Will Jennings, Music by: James Horner)


End file.
